How to Manage Anger and Be Nice To Your Spouse: A Response

The following post is a response to a request I received on this site two days ago, asking me to discuss anger management and spousal relationships. The request was as follows: “I want you to give me some advice about, how to control my anger and be a nice fiancé to my future wife? please help me”  

I would like to start by expressing my appreciation to the asker and say, thank you for your question regarding anger and future spousal relationships. Let me admit that the first one is not an easy challenge because we all fall victim to it once in a while if not often. But the good news is that it is also manageable. Therefore there is hope. I will start with that and follow up with the latter.

Some Things We Need to Know about Anger

There are few things we probably need to understand about anger before we talk about managing it.
What is it for instance? Is it bad or good? That is another question connected to it that most people often ask. Therefore, I will first attempt to define it before I suggest how to handle it.

Anger is a Natural Emotion

The first thing you and I and need to know about anger is that it is an emotion just like laughter, crying and joy and many others, are. When you are happy, you laugh. When something painful happens to you, you naturally weep or cry or whatever! In short, you express your feeling through some way communicable to others to let them know how you feel. This is your instinctual way or subconscious way of asking for more of the stimulant or stoppage of the same, depending on its nature whether good or bad. If good, you signal "some more, please"; if negative, something you do not like, you push the "stop it, or I will..." something like that, button!

The same is true with anger. It is an expression of how you are feeling at that particular moment you are angry. Often, it is for your security. It helps you keep your potential “invaders” at bay. This is a psychological law and game of life. We play it all the time and it is a healthy game we all like to play because that is what regulates life.

Anger is Neutral

Specialists in the field tell us that anger is neither bad nor good. It is neutral. What you can do when you are angry is something else and it cannot always be predicted easily. However, often because of its nature, many people will react or behave nastily or violently under the charge of anger.

A Biblical Instance and What It Teaches Us about Anger 

This is what you find in Genesis 4:6-7 where God counsels Cain who is apparently angry because God did not accept his sacrifice:

“The LORD said to Cain, “Why are you angry, and why has your face fallen?  If you do well, will you not be accepted?  And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door.  Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it.” ” (ESV)

If you study this episode you will discover at least 5 things that God suggests about anger:

(1) Anger is a result of something gone wrong at least from the view of the one angry, a failure in something or some expectation, a shattered dream, etc, “if you do not do well.” This suggests that anger more than we are willing to admit is a result of our perception of a stimulant and how we decide to react to it 

(2) Anger is a choice. We can choose to focus our attention on the dark side of our perception of the stimulant or change view points and look at the same stimulant from a different angle and never get pissed off as we say! “Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it”

(3) Anger is manageable. It is something we can control of our own volition regardless of the external forces, “you must rule over it.”  

(4) Anger can prove fatal and dangerous if we do not manage it properly—“sin is crouching at the door” (cf. Ephesians 4:26)

(5) Anger is not a sin— “sin is crouching at the door.” Of course, what you do after getting angry sometimes may be sinful. But it doesn't have to be. When Cain was angry God never condemned him nor curse him as having sinned. He only warned him of the potential dangers of failing to manage anger responsibly. It is only when he murders his brother later (Gen. 4:8-12) that God condemns him as sinful.

Suggestions towards Managing Anger

So how do we manage anger? That is your question.

Understand that no one but “You” can make “You” angry

From our discussion so far, you may notice that I have suggested that anger is more of one’s perception of a situation than anything else. It reflects your inner world than the outside. Therefore, my first suggestion in handling anger is: understand that no one but yourself can make you angry. Stimulants, yes, they will always be there. But you are the final Chief Executive of your behavior who decides what to do when what happens in your territory (cf. Luke 17:1-4).

Know Yourself.

My second suggestion will be: know yourself. What things are you likely vulnerable to? What mood were you in prior to the stimulant that provoked the anger in you? What is your general self perception; your self-image and esteem, etc?

Often than not, your own self image or attitude is what puts you into the angry mode when threatened by some situation. What you are actually doing is trying to protect your ego (whatever this might stand for in you. In some cases, it could mean past experiences that left you hurt memories, embarrassments etc. In short, negative memories. In others, it could be simple pride and the need to project their “preferred” image of themselves to others).

We all have nasty memories of a buried hurtful past that left wounds in our ego and we would naturally do anything, and I just mean that, anything to protect further hurt perceived or real! Therefore, before the “enemy” strikes us, we tend to go it protective style—hit before you are hit! Realizing this will help you handle anger appropriately.

Discover your wounds and find a remedy to them

Here, again like in the first suggestion you are the key. You are your own doctor and surgeon. Nobody knows you better than you do. Discover your wounds and find a remedy to them. It may serve you from the irritating bouts of invading anger. In some cases this may involve self forgiveness and acceptance of yourself, what you are and whatever happened to you as a fact that cannot be completely erased from history let alone changed.

Understand that People have the Right to hold their own Perceptions about You

Thirdly, understand that just like it is your perception you are reading into the situation, often people only tell us what is merely their own perception of us or anything than they may be telling us the truth or the reality of it all. Therefore, don’t be offended; for instance, when somebody (whether this somebody be your spouse or other) tells you that you look “ugly” because that could be a problem of their eyesight and you are not! You cannot correct people’s eye sights by “spanking” them or shouting at them. Truth alone will. Give it time.

Hence, when somebody says something that is irritating remember that that is their perception but it may not be a fact. Respect their opinion about you. It is just an opinion. You know the truth. Therefore, choose an appropriate way to express your view than getting angry with them.

Be Willing to Admit Your Weaknesses

In some situations, we get angry because the other person is exposing our weaknesses or inadequacies of some sort. Obviously, none of us like to be identified with weakness of lowness of any kind, especially men. We often want to be known as “great”, “strong” and such like positive superlatives.

However, the truth is that we are still the imperfect human beings who are prone to fall short in some ways. When someone exposes it, it helps to remember that to err is human. Being weak in some spot of our life does not make us any less human or what we want to be. If anything, it is our building block to improving upon our lives. Therefore, dare to look positively at negative criticisms thrown on you regardless of the source.

Understand the Other Person and be Willing to Forgive

At the risk of repeating myself, let me also say that just as you need to understand what people often say about you is more of their perceptions than anything, you also need to understand that you are not the only one who faces tempting situations in this life. Other people too have their own “stories” that make them who they are at any given moment.

You need to realize that what we often see in our friends or foes is a sum total of what has happened to them over a long period of time and they are possibly equally fighting their own private struggles, consciously or subconsciously. Therefore, they need someone who can understand them, too. You could be their savior. Take note of that!

Such an understanding will help you to say like Jesus did when he was dying on the cross: "Father, forgive them, because they do not know what they are doing" (Luke 23:34, HCSB). Such a statement repeated to yourself will do to your anger what no expert counsel will afford.

Cursorily, the statement might seem superficial and too foolish to have come from the mouth of such a reputed Rabbi as he was. But far from it, it is one of the most profound statements the world will ever have heard. It is born of a mature mind that understands other minds.

True forgiveness is only possible when we realize that the other party is ignorant, therefore not intentional in what they are doing though they may claim knowledge or may appear to. If you can grasp this concept, it will possibly open wonderful avenues in your life through which unnecessary anger can be uprooted from your life.

Walk Away from Anger

Of course, some situations get too emotional to control ourselves easily and admittedly, some things are easier said than done. If you notice that your situation is getting too emotional, it helps to walk away from the stimulant for a while until your adrenaline rash is back to normal dosage in your blood stream. You do not become a fool by playing the fool. You are a fool only when you are a fool. So gather the courage to excuse yourself from the provocative environment until you are composed.

Changing activities often enhances the lowering of the adrenaline flush in your blood and will leave you with a clear mind to take charge of your emotions back to normalcy.

So is it okay to be angry? Yes. But you need to be careful how you express it.

How to Be Nice To Your Spouse

Let me quickly say this regarding your second question or the second part of your question which is equally an important one: how can one be a good partner to their prospective spouse?

That is both difficult and easy, too. Difficult because it involves another person who might also be under different and unique circles of life forces that dictates his or her world. Therefore, there is a possibility that whatever “magic” you may apply may not work successfully because it is dependent on the “other factor”.

However, it is easy because of the almost universal golden rule of life that like begets like. Interpreted in this context, your behavior, attitudes etc, towards someone, are likely to influence, provoke equal or similar returns from the people you express them. If you love someone, they are likely to love you back. Try to hate them; you are likely to be hated. Behavior is contagious. Of course, there will always be exceptions here and there. But what Jesus said remains unchallengeable: do unto others what you would like them to do to you (Matthew 7:12). Therefore, there is hope here, too!

Give her Your Love

First, it helps to seek to give love to your fiancée or wife than to seek it or expect it from her. If you build on doing the best and being the best you can be to your wife she in turn will surprise you with what you may not have known about her other side. Here the focus is not on yourself. It is on the other person.

Respect her

Respect her just as much as you would want others or her to respect you. It will amaze you how much she will respect you.

Appreciate her

Appreciate her often enough and you will thank God for creating the “second half”! Every woman wants to know that her husband or man appreciates and values her just the way she is. Put it in different forms and shapes—verbalize just as you live it. It is wonder drug of romance and love!

Recognize her/his Unique Needs

Lastly, I would suggest that you understand her (his) unique needs and respond befittingly and you may as well count yourself among the lucky few husbands (or wives) thereafter. Otherwise, the rest is commentary.

I hope this has contributed some insights to your questions. I will appreciate to hear from you if there is anything that might need further clarification. Cheers! MindMinders share!